Why Do We Do This Kinky Stuff?
Tuesday April 3, 2012
Having been openly kinky for many years, occasionally non-kinky folks discover our penchants. Most of the time, their first question is, “Why do you do that?” Usually, it is stated out of pure curiosity; but every once in a while it has a more judgmental feeling, and the words tend to drip sarcastically out of the speakers mouth. They may even go on to say something like, “What’s wrong with you?” or, “Can’t you just get turned on like normal people?”
There are several ways we could answer that type of veiled assault. We could become defensive and answer with a provocative response, such as “Why are you so unimaginative, that you can’t see the beauty in what we do?” Or, we could just be honest and direct, and relate some of the reasons we do what it is that we do. And finally, we could share a story like this, which exemplifies exactly why we are kinky, and perhaps those who ask might learn the beauty in what it is that we do.
Not so long ago, we were at a larger adult consumer show. You know, kinda like a bridal show, or a car show? But this one was for sexually based products, and had educational classes on connection, techniques, and philosophy. At the event, we were presenting a class called, “Kink for Intimacy and Connection.” It’s a fun, shorter class that offers our thoughts and experiences regarding opening up relationships to kink.
Our group, AdventuresinSexuality.org was also providing the furniture and staff for the adult playspace or “dungeon” as the producers of the event preferred to call it. It was like a kinky show and tell. Many of the attendees would walk among the various pieces of play furniture, touch the accoutrements of kink, and if they were interested, they could pick up a flogger or other toy and swing it about. They could even ask the staff for assistance in learning how to use the toys that draw their attention.
Overall it was loads of fun, watching new singles and couples discover that kink wasn’t scary; and that it was actually pretty hot to try out new things with lovers and friends! Every once in a while, as we were sharing or demonstrating the how-tos and whys, we would see an inner light bulb go off. It was that sudden realization that they both liked the physical and sexual exploration. They might smile and thank us, or spend more time in the playspace continuing what they had uncovered about each other and their relationship.
On the last day, as it was nearing the end of the show, this younger couple ventured in the “dungeon”. They had entered into the playspace and were wandering this way and that. We could see that the wife was certainly the motivating factor in this particular case, as she was practically dragging the husband from station to station. They were an average couple, but younger. She was looking all around with a devious smile and gleam in her eye, and it was a stark contrast to his introverted bashful visage.
We were standing next to a shorter bondage frame, chatting and observing the space, while coiling up rope from the last demo. The wife glanced in our direction, and realizing we were not actively engaged with other attendees, made a beeline toward us. Pulling his arm up close, she looked back and forth between us, and said, “Will you tie me up and suspend me? I have always enjoyed a little bit of rope, and I want to my husband to see what I am talking about.”
We agreed, and after a momentary safety check and some negotiation of what could be expected, we began to pull our rope back out of its carrying bag. As the rope was being slowly and gently applied, we explained what we were doing, and why we were placing the ropes where we were. We could see her energy and smile were lighting up more and more as we continued. She looked lovingly over at her hubby, who simply stood there with a curious expression.
As the initial rope harnesses were completed, and we began to run the lines to the beam, we proceeded to lift her off the ground. Very shortly, she was grinning ridiculously, suspended as if she was Supergirl hovering about three feet off the concrete floor. She reached out for her husband and he reluctantly moved to her. We showed him how to grasp the ropes and pull her closer. We could see a faint smile begin to appear on his face, as he envisioned some of the benefits to having his wife fluidly mobile at waist height.
Next we indicated he should lie on the floor, face up toward her. At her current height, they could just reach each other’s bodies with outstretched arms. They could intertwine hands and he was able to gently swing her around a bit. We stepped forward and began to slowly lengthen the ropes holding her up – so she began to descend toward him. When there was just 3-4 inches separating them, we re-secured the ropes so she would stay right there.
He first was pensive as he began to move her, discovering that if he pushed up on her shoulders, her hips lowered onto his. They held that position for a moment or three; then he spun her around so they were both face to crotch, moving her like a seesaw. They would each have the opportunity to make the other aware that they were very close to partners genitals. After a few long minutes of experimentation, he turned her back so they were eye to eye. He pulled her close for a lingering kiss. His voice was low and tender when we heard him say, “Baby, I get it. I love you.” He then held her gaze, which had substantially softened. At that point, no more words were needed.
We stepped out of the immediate circle as not to intrude. Finally, as if some unseen signal had passed between them, they turned to us and simply said, “Ok.” At this point we moved back into the space and lowered her all the way on top of him, releasing the ropes that had held her up. After a few more tender moments of holding each other close, they stood. Their connection was warm, strong and very palpable as we slowly removed her remaining rope harnesses.
After she was all unwrapped, they thanked us, gratitude brimming from both. As they walked off, shining, holding hands, we held each other, smiling, with just a hint of extra wetness in the corners of our eyes. “That’s one of the reasons we do this, isn’t it?” The answer is Absolutely. To be able to witness such joy and connection between loving adults is a huge privilege. But to be a part of it? To have helped shape and guide it? To experience the beauty and creativity that Kink can be? Simply priceless. That’s why.
Peace,
Barak & Sheba