Continuing the "Interview..."
Saturday June 7, 2014
How to find someone kinky for a relationship that is a good fit?
A good place to start – is with another article we wrote last week. It's Like Using a Roadmap...
In this one, we are going to expand on the search. The initial idea was about vetting. How do we vet a D-type or S-type to form a longer lasting relationship with? We will once again point you at the previous article – and expand upon what we call, “The Interview Process.” You might think of this as B&S's guide to dating... but it's more than that for us. It is a system we use to disqualify people who we just aren't compatible with. It certainly saves us – and the other person - time, effort and energy.
First, let's make sure to set up the “interview,” on an equal and neutral playing field. While you might learn some tips from reading it, this isn't Sun Tzu's “The Art of War.” After all, both the interviewer and the interviewee want a win. The trick here is to both agree to set things up for a mutual win.
1. We are humans first, gentlepersons second, then our roles
To us, this is a fundamental piece. If a person has problems connecting on a human basis, then there is a high probability
they will have problems with the remainder... and so on down the line.
It's good to remember that kink is only an aspect, albeit a potentially large one, of our sexuality. AND Sexuality is only one aspect to our human-ness. We also have another 4 aspects to our humanity. We are emotional, physical, mental, spiritual AND sexual beings. It's important that we form bonds with more than one of these aspects. Otherwise, the relationship will be out of balance – and won't last too long.
Think of it generally like a car with one fully inflated wheel, and the other three as flat. Once you get off that full tire? It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Another way of looking at it is what a friend used to say, “I love to fuck and play then fuck some more… but if we can't talk and connect afterwards? That's all it will ever be.”
Being sexual together (be it play, sex, etc.) may be the entirety of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that. But like in our previous Roadmap article – each of us determines our own needs, wants and desires. And if the destination for each person is very different? It's gonna be a short ride together. Connecting on multiple aspects, can lead to a more full-filling relationship.
2. Try to get to know them initially in a more neutral and less charged state/location
Let's say you spot Signor Domly Dom across a crowded playspace. There they are ... with an auric glow so magnetic you
can feel the static traction of your shoes give way as you begin to slide unbidden across the floor. Lol! Not exactly reality,
but sometimes it does feel that way. The endorphin burst and flow is so strong that it actually blurs our short term memory,
and we have no idea how we got where we are/were!
But when we are at a play party, we are already stimulated. The throbbing music, the naked bodies, the sights, the sounds… we want to jump right in and be part of it. Throw caution to the wind. That person over there … yes! It's akin to Beer-Goggling. When we are so influenced by chemistry and arousal, our decisions are skewed.
It might not be a bad idea to take that particular setting off the table. At least until you complete the initial interview process. It will help you quell a heightened emotional state, your body reactions and also your thoughts… at least, more than you would watching barely naked, moaning and writhing bodies engaged in the play that you are so aching for.
3. Initially engage without a power differential
It's difficult enough getting past people's facades, their armoring, and their public persona - those things that protect our
soft and squishy inner selves... without adding another layer to both of you. Start the process from a level playing field.
Just two people starting a negotiation, an interaction, a connection.
This is going to be difficult. Partially because the Kink Scene is set up with layers of protection… from scene names to labels to safe calls, we are conditioned from our entry in the Scene. We are not saying throw out all those safety pieces. We are saying be genuine with each other, without acting out the Top/Bottom, D/S, or M/S roles.
It's also not easy because we want to meet each other at those levels. We have a desire for that flow of energy. When we begin the flirt, the drug starts flowing. We want more. (See NRE Below.) You sometimes can hear your thoughts, “I wish she would stop talking and take me!” or “I can't wait to see the look of submission when I put my hand on their throat…” and on and on… We thrive for those pieces.
But if this is about longer term relationships? Many times a little investment in getting to know the full person now will lead to a much greater payoff in the long run.
4. Trust your intuition
Surely you didn't get to the age you are now without honing your intuition and people skills. There is no need to throw out
the learnings of connecting to others that you have gained in your vanilla life - just because you are looking for a power
exchange or kinky relationship.
Consider reading “The Gift of Fear.” By Gavin De Becker. Then read it again. Pay attention to those little ah-ha's - both positive and negative. Sometimes even a little tickle at the back of your neck can pop up a flag that says, Nope. Not this one. Listen to that. One of the theories about intuition is that it doesn't exist at all. That purports – “Intuition” is the label we give to the culmination and determination from information based on all the experienced observations of any situation or interaction. What the heck does that mean? Something that we feel, see, hear, touch or smell, clues us in to something that we have experienced before that has led to an end result. Make sense?
To sum it all up? If there are red flags popping up in your head? Pay attention! You are your own best and most accurate protector.
5. You don’t have to swing at the first pitch
We are not really interested in sports. You will not find either of us watching the local or national teams at anything. But,
this saying is perfectly apt for the next topic.
Sometimes the fit isn't right. It just isn't. Don't be afraid to let this one (or the next) pass. Don't attempt to make something that might be not right work for you. It might take a time, but there will be others. There always are. It's highly probable that one of the next will be closer to what you are looking for.
Also, if you need to take a break from the interview process? Just do it. We all hear that adage, “Sometimes when you are not looking, you find what you are looking for…” It's very true. It actually how we found each other.
6. The Percentage Play
You might think that we are perfectly suited for each other. In a global sense we are. But that doesn't mean we are 100%
compatible. We certainly aren't. Obviously, Sheba loves Shoes. Barak? Well… not so much. Sheba is a Princess. Barak
is more like the local Blacksmith. Sheba loves her TV. Barak would rather take a beating than watch regular TV. Et. Cetera
and all that.
There will be differences. For the most part, we are about 80-85% compatible. (And for the other 15-20%... well, another reason why we are Poly.) But that compatibility is really high! Keep an eye on the percentages. This is why dating websites are popular. They take the percentages of match and make introductions. By doing interviews, that's what you are doing, measuring and comparing percentages.
One thing you might end up noticing? As you spend time together, those percentages will change. Sometimes for the better. Other times for the worse. When people get together, they are exposed to new things that the other favors. Sometimes you'd be surprised what you end up liking when it is around ya all the time.
Start by being happy with a majority. People who are 60% compatible and greater, are not easy to find!
7. Look at the Critical Yes's and No's
Each of us has things we can't or won't tolerate. Things that will slowly or quickly erode or destroy a relationship. These
are mostly different for everyone. A critical yes might be GLBTQ acceptance. Your potential partner has to be accepting of
non-heteronormative persons. If the person you're interviewing even has a hint of intolerance in that arena, you are done.
Let's site another example. Perhaps it is music. If your interviewee is fatally adverse to drawling country music, and you
are a huge fan of all things George Strait, Toby Keith and Garth Brooks? It might be a critical no.
Remember, there are some differences that are tolerable. Most likely, you will discover those as the NRE (New Relationship Energy) wears off. But others aren't. Make sure you know yourself and your philosophies enough to discern which is which.
8. NRE – New Relationship Energy!!!!
Oh. We could go on and on about this one. NRE is one of our favorite drugs! When meeting and beginning the relationship,
the NRE is what people call the steady endorphin rush that accompanies the “thrill” of new relationships. It produces all kind
of reactions, such as – flushed faces, permagrin, textitis, ignoring homework, housework, hard work, mainly work period; hard
cocks for hours, dripping wet cunts, ignoring red flags; fucking in the parking lot of the restaurant where you just met for the
first time; calling every 20 min round the clock; phone sex; text sex; email sex; skype sex (be careful who you call on that
one); and so many other maladies!
If we are involved in attraction, we get aroused. Emotional, Sexual, Physical arousal. Before we even know what is happening, it's already influencing our thoughts, behaviors and bodies. It adds an element of euphoria, of desire. While you are in it? Your flame can do very little wrong. Those little things that will completely drive you to jam a pillow over their head while they are sleeping 6 months from now? During NRE? It's just “cute” and/or “sweet.”
We had a friend who once said, “It takes about 3-6 months for the NRE to wear off, and for them to show ya their crazy face. Everyone has a crazy face. Some you can handle and some you can't.” It's really true. We have also found that NRE tends to last about 3-6 months, depending on the proximity, frequency and intensity of a relationship.
Either way? Whether you love it or hate it… NRE is real. If you recognize that you are both in it? You can do your best to accommodate the ridiculousness, while your friends sit back and laugh at the both of you.
9. *“Changes aren't permanent, but change is.” Tom Sawyer – Rush
The only person who you can change is you. You know how hard it is to do that. Think New Year's resolutions… If you are
going to try and change something about yourself, it takes a lot of time and dedication. Then maybe, just maybe, after a time
you will succeed.
It's the same with any potential partner. It is absolutely futile going into a relationship trying to change the other person. You can't. And… even if by some feat of power/will/dominance, etc… you can? There is a high likelihood that it will build resentment and potentially damage or destroy the relationship down the road.
Some people go into a relationship hoping to change the other – their behavior, mannerisms. Actions, habits, etc. Others, go in to a relationship hoping their partner will stay the same. Neither will happen. If you truly want each other to change? Build a good foundation, then agree to work together on the pieces you want to modify. Slowly, over time, after you have a very strong bond.
10. Once you've made a decision? Buy it, and don't keep shopping. (Even if you are Poly!)
Every once in a while, we forget this guideline and do this. For instance, we bought a new washer/dryer set. Only then did
we check out the review in Consumer Reports. We looked around at other stores to see comparable prices, et al. Know
what happened then? That's right. We found a better deal. Took a couple weeks.. but we did. Know what we did about it?
Right again. Nothing. How could we? We had already had the store deliver and install them. We had already done loads
of laundry. Would it have been worth the $50 or so dollars of savings to return them and get the new ones? Hardly. So
several weeks worth of re-shopping was only a waste of time.
It's the same with relationships. When we have invested time, effort and energy at finding a partner, a relationship, someone to care about… why would we keep shopping for the same item? It is a waste of time, and actually can take energy away from building the new relationship. Honor that investment. Spend the time adding to the connection you are building.
Don't worry that you might find someone better. Like we said above. It's a percentage play. And you never know how your viewpoints, activities and desires might change as time and togetherness goes on. So once you've got something good? Give it a chance. It'll save you time, and buyer's remorse.
©2014 Barak & Brat Sheba