a Barak & Sheba Article

Are You a "True" or "Real" Dominant, Master, Submissive, Slave, etc...??
Monday April 7, 2014

We went to dinner recently with an S-type acquaintance. They were discussing a D-Type they met with during the previous week, and how their excitement about the possibility of a new relationship fizzled due to the reaction they received from the D-type. When they tried to express their feelings about taking the negotiations and building of a power exchange relationship process slowly to make sure it would be a good fit for both they were met with resistance and even name-calling.

According to the S-Type they had been talking with this D-type occasionally for several weeks, and found they had some things in common. So they mutually decided to take it a step further by starting to compare their needs, wants, and desires. The D-type had asked them about a specific aspects of their submission and expressed an interest in full 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange), and was vying for it fairly quickly. This S-type was fairly new to the scene, and let the D-Type know that they knew wanted to get to know and learn to trust their D-type prior to diving into the "deep end."

After the S-type explained that stance the D-type's response was, "Well then you must not be a "True Submissive."

In that moment, the S-type was taken aback. They tried to explain their position. They reiterated their needs, wants, and desires. Part of that was to be in a 24/7 relationship... however, they wanted to know they could trust their D-type - and that involved time. The S-Type wanted time to get to know them, learning what made them tick, how they liked being served, their style of dominance, etc. The D-type insisted that they were both ready for a bigger step. And no matter how much time the S-type spent explaining their position the D-type only appeared to listen to the attempts at negotiation by the S-type, and still stood by (and re-iterated) their statement, that if this S-type didn't XYZ... then they must not be a "True" or "Real" Submissive.

Long story short? The discussion fell apart shortly after that. The D-type went on their merry way, and the S-type called several of their S-type friends to see why and/or if they weren't a "Real" or "True" Submissive.

Up until now? It's just a disagreement of labels. One thinks this, the other thinks that. Both parties can agree to disagree and because of the difference in needs, wants and desires they just won't move forward on the relationship.

Now... here's where it gets a little dicey. After many discussions, this S-type gets many differing opinions from their S-type friends and acquaintances. Most of them say, "Well... screw that D-type. They are just a jerk." But once or twice, an S-type that they know says... "well, are you sure you're a "True Submissive?", “XYZ is something I've done and lots of other submissives do, it's just part of being a submissive.” “ Maybe you're just a bottom, or a switch because other submissives do XYZ.”

Labeling permeates the S-type spectrum, especially when it comes to the other S-types labeling each other. Sometimes it is because of their particular specialty: Maybe their specialty is service, or sexuality, or play, or objectification... etc. Perhaps it is the way the S-type refers to themselves: maybe they speak or write in the third person, could be the use slashy speak with the W/we, or maybe they always use lower case letters to denote the S-types. Or maybe they don't do XYZ, who knows?

Now... Don't think that this phenomenon is confined to S-types. Oh, No. It is most certainly not. This type of labeling happens on both sides of the slash - and even in the middle - with the "you're not really a True Switch" - although admittedly the Switchy ones are less inclined to do this.

With the D-types, many times it can be just as insidious. Many of us, no matter length of time in the scene, look at the people who are coming in brand new and say, "Ha! How can you possibly be a Master? You've been doing this for 3 days!" Or we see D-Types who list dozens of people on their profile as "Protecting XXX" or "Considering YYY" and think - those D-types just got into the scene a month ago? They may not have been around for very long, have just learned the basics and are trying to manage power exchanges with a dozen or so people? In many old school groups it takes years to get to levels of ownership but these new people are in charge of a “Leather House?"

Or those same names on the D-types fetlife profile change, shift and grow or shrink weekly... And that person gets labeled - whether out loud or in our heads - "Master of the Velcro collar." Or what about the “Old School” dominants who prefer a male top/female bottom relationship – at times we label them as misogynists or worse.

Overall this labeling causes needless conflict and derision.

Whether from the D side or the S side, we get to determine our own "Trueness," or "Realness" in any aspect of our lives. We are the only ones who have to look ourselves in the mirror and say, "Yup. That's me. I am XYZ!" or conversely, "I'm not a PDQ!" It's amazing that there are still people who put stock in someone else's opinion of whether they are a "True Submissive" or a "True Master, Dominant, etc..."

Many times, we don't even know the person. Obviously, (read the sarcasm) their profile tells all about them... NOT! A profile, at best, is an insight into the role or character that the person wants to portray to the Kink Public. It is a public shield, a persona, a coat if you will - that we put on based on the amount of information we want to share. Is it the totality of who we are? Not hardly.

We frequently say, that we are human beings first. Then we are gentlepersons. And after those basic human aspects we are our roles in the scene. It's important that we first look at each other in that way. We are autonomous humans being. We are experiencing ourselves in a new avenue - one of kink, sensuality, power exchange, sharing sensation, creating connection. Engaging with ourselves to learn and grow as a sexual being.

Getting stuck in a pattern of Comparison and Judgment is a way of thinking and acting that doesn't serve our growth. How much of our energy is lost fretting over what others do? How much time is spent being angry, frustrated, incensed, or irritated, at the titles, positions, roles that another might assume? What does it matter? Why do we care? What reason do we have for extending or projecting our will or opinion on what empowers someone else?

Does the way that Slave Jenny Jump To It or Master Two Dicks is doing what they are doing diminish what we are doing? FUCK NO! It offers a reflection. It offers the possibility of another facet. It's a learning experience. We can see what they are doing, and see the excitement that it is bringing them. Maybe we can use what we saw... like a clothes closet. We can take out the piece of clothing and try it on. If it doesn't fit? We can put it away or better yet - donate it to charity!

We frequently spout this basic rule -

Take what information, education, or experience that resonates with you, and keep it, use it to grow as a person. If it doesn't apply to you, or you can't use it, or you think it is crap… No matter where it came from - Throw it out!

You know the old saying, "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and many times they stink!" It's absolutely true... every single person has an opinion. These opinions come from the experience and understandings that they have developed over their lifetime. Obviously their life experience differs from ours. Hence? Their opinions are primarily suited to them!

What if we only kept what worked - and didn't become attached to the rest? What would happen if all the energy, focus and time that we used to compare and judge another were used for our own self growth and development? How much more would be available for our own sexiness? For our own shining?

There is a saying from Voltaire's Candide, which has been adapted and shifted, goes something like this, "Tend your own garden, let others tend to theirs. May they have flowers or cabbage, both are beautiful."

Sometimes people mistake that for just meaning, "mind your own business." But it doesn't just mean, "don't worry about what others are doing." This saying means - plant the seeds of the things you want to grow in fertile soil. Tend to the creations, the businesses, the connections, the relationships, the "self," that you are building... give it life, allow those things you have made to flourish. Become truly the “you” that you want to be - whatever your label for it.

So, whatever people say... Just realize that you are the "Truest" or the "Realest" you that you can be.

Just our 2 cents on the subject,
Barak & Sheba

©2014 Barak & Brat Sheba

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