a Barak & Sheba Article

I Wanna Push Your Limits...
Friday Mar 12, 2015

What? Wait a sec. Did you just say that??

AIS does a rotating series of workshops for people who are New 2 Kink. If you want more info – check it out on The N2K Group. During one of the sessions, we address Limits. One of the routine topics that comes up is that interesting phrase, said by D-types to newer S-types: “I wanna push your limits.”

And that right there, dear readers, is why we put these words to the page.

Firstly, let us put this right out there… If you are new, or new to a relationship, and this is said to you? You might consider running away. Fast. Far. Now. It's one of those things that is a HUGE Red Flag. Why? Simple. It is every individual's right and privilege to set their own limits, to state and enforce them, and finally, to have those limits respected – as they are stated. Period. End of sentence. That's it. The end. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

But let's quickly take a step back, before we get into all of this. Perhaps we should take a moment define and differentiate Hard and Soft limits?

For the most part, a Hard Limit is one that a person will not do, under any circumstances - as it will change their self perception to the negative. For instance, many people have commented that Animals are a hard limit. This makes a good example as we can delve into the why... Animals, by their very nature cannot offer informed consent. Many people love animals, and believe that bringing them into a human sexual experience is abhorrent. It would cause emotional pain, or bring about consequences that we couldn't live with. There are other pieces, but suffice it to say, if this were done, most of us would have a permanent emotional scar that would evoke shame and disgust. Hence the hard limit...

On the other hand, there are Soft Limits. These are limits that we might agree to adjust, modify, or re-negotiate with the right person, at the right time, in the right place, as the stars align, etc... For instance, anal play is a fairly regular soft limit. Why? You might think that is perfectly acceptable and hot. We do to too - both giving and receiving. But not with everyone at every instance – and not someone we don't have a significant level of trust and intimacy with… hence the soft limit.

Here is where that phrase, “I wanna push your limits” comes in. Guess what? Another person's limits, no matter what they are, are not yours to determine or supersede. If someone says, "No this," that means exactly that. If they say, "No that;" don't do that either. It doesn't matter if you want that or not - if they are not willing, interested, or whatever their rationale is... it's your responsibility to honor those limits.

Because the truth is this – Regardless of how Hard, Soft, Tepid, Hot, Turgid or otherwise defined the limits is? Those factors are for the limit holder themselves. Those labels sometimes assist a person in knowing themselves. So if someone tells you their limit? It's a limit. Period. AND it is at the discretion of the person who sets said limit to determine when, with whom, or even if they want “push it,”

There are, of course, exceptions and possible modifications to everything - including this. Each relationship has its own parameters and agreements. The deeper the trust, faith and respect you have for another person, who has taken the time to get to know you – the more power or authority you may want to offer them. This may include the “stretching” or “pushing” of your limits… This is typically done to create greater trust/vulnerability/healing/growth/knowledge and intimacy – and not as a superficial “power trip.”

Newton's First Law of Motion says, An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an outside force. People can be the same way. Sometimes, people desire an external force to help them create that change within their lives. But People are not inanimate objects. It's important to want and then consent to the initiation of that change.

Hopefully, all of us try to grow, to learn, to discover. The longer we have been in the scene, the more we are comfortable with our own sexuality – and expression thereof. Which also means that our limits have changed over time. When we first jumped into the scene, our limits lists were quite long. But at this point, over a decade in the scene, we have pared those down – as we became aware of ourselves, our sexuality, and our needs, wants and desires.

We can go on and on, but the truth is change is natural. Try not to stay blindly set on anything, including limits. Spend some time each year re-evaluating what makes you hot, wet, hard and horny. Then clarify in your own mind what you will do, and what you absolutely won't. Finally, don't hesitate to communicate your limits and boundaries… and make sure they are respected.

Good luck in your journey-

Barak & Sheba

©2015 Barak & Brat Sheba

If this writing seems familiar, it may be. About 2 years ago, We wrote a post called, "Let's Talk Limits..." and since this article deals directly with some of the definitions previously written about in that one – we are going to co-opt some of that writing and place it into this one.

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